25 03 2009

I know I started this off with the promise of keeping this blog to let people know what I was up to while living in the Big City. There were so many points after the last entry that I should have written. Should have been recording who and what I had encountered and how it affected me but the Truth is I didn’t know what to say.

I didn’t know how even begin digesting all that was taking place within and without me. So I didn’t. I did my best to just ride it out. To roll with it and see where it got me.

And here I am. 8 months later, 10 years wiser.

I will just summize that moving to a place filled to the brim with every type of talent, go-getter and hustler made me realize very quickly how unprepared I was for “living in the world.” I questioned more than I ever have just what the hell I’d been doing with myself up into this point. I found myself utterly overwhelmed by my own ignorance. I had know idea how much I did not know. About everything. Like managing money, cooking, having friends over, picking up a tab, organizing for, decorating. Nothing I did made any sense. I’m a creature of habit, whose habit hadn’t changed since it was 12. I seriously didn’t know what to do and really there comes a point in life where one just needs to figure things out on their own.

This was my point. And it took a little while… A long while- and that constant uncertainty made me nervous.

So I did what I always do when I’m uncertain, I got busy.  I went to work on everything all at once. I said I’m going to fix all these flaws and be better at everything I’m doing. I became so engrossed in being the best at my work, at bettering my self, at elimnating old habits and creating new better me qualities that I forgot to just live. I didn’t give myself a chance to exist in the world I moved into.   I was too busy to hang out, too broke to go out, too self-conscious and confused to really relate to anyone in coversation. It was a mess. All within the walls of my being.

But thank God for stepping in, showing his face when I felt like I was slipping away. Putting the right people in my path, shining a light on the pathways for me. I feel like I’m on track now. He let me know that I can’t do it all on my own. That I’m not supposed to, he basically brought me out here, to humble me for whatever is next.

And I’m thankful for that. I feel like I’m on my way somewhere, but at least now I’m enjoying the walk. I’m strolling and not sprinting wildly into the bushes.

I’ve started working on creating a non-profit and I have a feeling it will become something worthy. It feels good to be focused on something I’m passionate about. Ok, ok it feels good to give myself a reason to watch movies all day. But that’s neither here nor there.

All this to say, I’m glad to be writing again




One response

12 05 2009

Wow. It’s really crazy to hear the story about moving to NYC from someone that not only came from where I’m from, but WHAT I’m from. I had always known that when I moved to NYC, I was going to learn a new way of life. I knew I was going to discover that there really was MORE than what I or any one in my family or friendly circle in Ypsi had ever known. And when you get here and discover it all, you’re like “WTF???! What the hell were we country bumpkins (sp?) thinking this whole damn time!!??!” LOL. But embracing the new and living it feels scary at first – kinda feels like you’re trying to be something you’re not. Then, when you realize, ‘wait a second…this is MY life. I can break whatever cycles I want. I can live whatever life I want’, your experience CHANGES and you look at the world from a different view than before. Home starts to seem SO foreign. I can’t describe it much more than that, but when you get there, you’ll know. Anyway, when it happens, let me know. I’d love to dish about it 🙂
And if it already has…call me! LOL!!

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