I know I started this off with the promise of keeping this blog to let people know what I was up to while living in the Big City. There were so many points after the last entry that I should have written. Should have been recording who and what I had encountered and how it affected me but the Truth is I didn’t know what to say.
I didn’t know how even begin digesting all that was taking place within and without me. So I didn’t. I did my best to just ride it out. To roll with it and see where it got me.
And here I am. 8 months later, 10 years wiser.
I will just summize that moving to a place filled to the brim with every type of talent, go-getter and hustler made me realize very quickly how unprepared I was for “living in the world.” I questioned more than I ever have just what the hell I’d been doing with myself up into this point. I found myself utterly overwhelmed by my own ignorance. I had know idea how much I did not know. About everything. Like managing money, cooking, having friends over, picking up a tab, organizing for, decorating. Nothing I did made any sense. I’m a creature of habit, whose habit hadn’t changed since it was 12. I seriously didn’t know what to do and really there comes a point in life where one just needs to figure things out on their own.
This was my point. And it took a little while… A long while- and that constant uncertainty made me nervous.
So I did what I always do when I’m uncertain, I got busy. I went to work on everything all at once. I said I’m going to fix all these flaws and be better at everything I’m doing. I became so engrossed in being the best at my work, at bettering my self, at elimnating old habits and creating new better me qualities that I forgot to just live. I didn’t give myself a chance to exist in the world I moved into. I was too busy to hang out, too broke to go out, too self-conscious and confused to really relate to anyone in coversation. It was a mess. All within the walls of my being.
But thank God for stepping in, showing his face when I felt like I was slipping away. Putting the right people in my path, shining a light on the pathways for me. I feel like I’m on track now. He let me know that I can’t do it all on my own. That I’m not supposed to, he basically brought me out here, to humble me for whatever is next.
And I’m thankful for that. I feel like I’m on my way somewhere, but at least now I’m enjoying the walk. I’m strolling and not sprinting wildly into the bushes.
I’ve started working on creating a non-profit and I have a feeling it will become something worthy. It feels good to be focused on something I’m passionate about. Ok, ok it feels good to give myself a reason to watch movies all day. But that’s neither here nor there.
All this to say, I’m glad to be writing again